A few months ago, it was suggested that I thought Andy Roddick was the Antichrist. Preposterous. I know Andy Roddick is the Antichrist, and, as always, I have concrete evidence to prove this assertion.
A little background: As I’m sure we all know, many of the Christmas-celebrating persuasion wholeheartedly believe this Antichrist character will precede the Apocalypse. They are convinced that he will be the "embodiment of evil," but that most people will not recognize his supreme evilness until it is too late. He will disguise himself as a do-gooder, a hero, or a top ten tennis player. [Actually, that last part isn’t in the New Testament to my knowledge, but bear with me.] People will look to the seemingly virtuous Antichrist as a leader, and they will follow him to their doom. Bad news for them, methinks.
We can already see the resemblance between this Antichrist fellow and Andy Roddick. Roddick is popular, charismatic, and everyone looks to him to lead us out of the dark place that is American tennis right now. But he has periodically shown a more disingenuous, less heroic side to his character (examples of this need not be mentioned for the umptillionth time). Nevertheless, the general populace seems blind to his transgressions. There is a general refusal to accept the fact that Andy Roddick is, in fact, pure and utter evil.
However, I have the ultimate proof that Andy Roddick is, without doubt, the ANTICHRIST:
Fact 1: Andy Roddick hit 37 aces in the 2nd round of the French Open in 2001.
Fact 2: Andy Roddick was no. 6 in 1st service percentage in 2005.
- Divide the first number (37) by the second (6): 37/6
- Using this number, let A=37/6, B= 2*(37/6), C= 3*(37/6), etc.
- Convert each of the letters in Andy Roddick to numbers, based on the above pattern.
- Sum these numbers.
The shocking result of this simple series of mathematical operations? The number 666, which of course, signifies the Antichrist.
[click the illustration for a more complete explanation]
It can no longer be denied. Andy Roddick is the Antichrist. If He wins the Australian Open, be wary: The Apocalypse cometh!
4 comments:
Does this mean we are saved? I had not started building my ark.
I think maybe I was wrong. Anybody who is that bad at tennis could not be the Antichrist.
You should still keep an eye on him. Remember the Devil works in strange ways!!
If the schools did a better job of teaching math, more Americans would know that the seemingly handsome and do-good Andy Roddick is in actuality homely and evil. Thank goodness for smart, math oriented people like yourself.
That said, and as you more or less point out in a comment to your post, the force of evil is generally defeated by the force of good. For example, Hitler (evil) was defeated by FDR, Churchill, and Stalin (good, well 2 out of 3). The tennis parallel is Roddick (evil) defeated by Federer, Muller, Baghdatis, Ginepri, Mathieu, Hewitt (good, well 5 of 6) etc. I suppose to be considered a tennis force of good, you simply have to be placed opposite Roddick in the draw. Yet, it’s tough to be an antichrist when you loose so much. However, the photographic evidence which accompanies your post, which I can only assume is directly from the Roddick family photo album, does suggest a certain satanic nature.
So, let’s speculate about the future. As you can tell from my Aus Open picks I am really good at that. When John Werthime finally croaks from an overdose of crazy pills and you become Sports Illustrated’s Tennis writer, your first assignment will be to interview and write a feel good article about Andy Roddick’s impending retirement. Besides you feeling good that he is retiring you will:
a) Write a fair and balanced piece like Fox News would write about Hillary Clinton running for president or
b) Swallow hard and write something semi-flattering in order to keep your editors happy or
c) Drive a stake through Roddick’s heart during the interview.
Regards to all,
Mike
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